Daily Battles

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written and it’s mostly because of the daily battles I face.

Each morning when the sun rises I roll over and bury my head under the covers. It’s not really because I’m all that tired (although I wake up exhausted) or because I’m comfortable. It’s because if I stay asleep then I need not face the reality – that Emma is dead, that’s she’s gone and never coming back… If I stay asleep I can dream more and maybe then I’ll dream of her. And if I don’t, then at least I’m partially unconscious and unable to feel the hurt in my soul.
It’s a daily battle to drag myself out of bed, to put on an ok face and to keep living.

It’s a daily battle to look after myself and even though I’m trying hard, I don’t succeed that much.
I have put on a lot of weight over the past two years and it’s easy to say, “Lisl you should eat healthier and go to the gym”. And I agree, in my head… But after I have managed to get up and face the world, I don’t have the emotional energy to always eat right or make all the right choices or go gym.

What’s worse is that just because I win the battle today to go exercise doesn’t mean all the other battles today are easy. It doesn’t mean that the exact same battle tomorrow will be easy either.

My self-control, self-esteem and ability to be proactive often fail me when I need them the most.
But no matter how it feels, God never fails me – no matter how low I go, how much I feel like I’m drowning, how I often just don’t care.

I have two purposes for this post.

The first is to “encourage”, to reflect, to be real with those parents who have buried their children. To tell you that you are not alone, that it’s ok to have daily battles and struggles, that it’s ok to not always beat the grief that overwhelms you.

The other is to tell you (who have maybe lost someone but not your CHILD) to be sensitive, loving, kind. To hold our hearts in yours, to protect us from any extra hurt. To think before you speak.
Each one of us deals with daily battles, we all struggle with issues, and it would be unfair to say that mine are worse than yours or that they are more debilitating. What I do want to say is that you need to be mindful of them and if the fact that they will almost certainly never disappear, just like the hole in our hearts will never heal completely and like our grief which will never go away.

(For more advice about what not to say and what to say go to this blog of mine… It was written well before Emma died but still remains true.)

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5 thoughts on “Daily Battles

  1. Hello Lisl,

    Lots of love and prayers for you, you are an amazing woman and you show strength through your pain, I have learned so much from you. In my bad days reading your blog has helped me so much. May God hold you extra close on your difficult days, may His endless love cover you and protect you, may He lift your head and build the most beautiful mosaic out of every broken piece within you.

    Lots and lots of love….. B xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are so brave and although I cannot pretend to know your pain, I feel pain for you just reading your blog. Just following you I see how much you do for child cancer even through your grief, so do not be discouraged because you are amazing in the way you are still able to help others. Much love in Christ Lisl and I pray for Jesus to hold you and comfort you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello, you don’t know me. I go to WBC with your parents . They don’t know me either. But knowing someone is irrelevant when a need is concerned. I was in church the first day your father stood up in church to ask for prayers because Emma had just been diagnosed. I joined the watsapp group your mum created and I went on this journey with a family I didn’t know. A child I had never seen but it was so real. I prayed for Emma everytime a request came up. I cried when she went to heaven. I cried again at her service in WBC..I saw you speak and I was in awe of such strength. I am so proud of you my sister in Christ. You may feel week but all I see is strength. I remembered you again today so I came to check your blog to see how you are doing. And I can see you are still hanging in there. That’s my Sis! God is always there for us even when we have no strength left. Please forgive me if iv said anything here that rubs you wrong. I just wanted to say…I love you! Muah!xoxo .

    Like

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