It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written and it’s mostly because of the daily battles I face.
Each morning when the sun rises I roll over and bury my head under the covers. It’s not really because I’m all that tired (although I wake up exhausted) or because I’m comfortable. It’s because if I stay asleep then I need not face the reality – that Emma is dead, that’s she’s gone and never coming back… If I stay asleep I can dream more and maybe then I’ll dream of her. And if I don’t, then at least I’m partially unconscious and unable to feel the hurt in my soul.
It’s a daily battle to drag myself out of bed, to put on an ok face and to keep living.
It’s a daily battle to look after myself and even though I’m trying hard, I don’t succeed that much.
I have put on a lot of weight over the past two years and it’s easy to say, “Lisl you should eat healthier and go to the gym”. And I agree, in my head… But after I have managed to get up and face the world, I don’t have the emotional energy to always eat right or make all the right choices or go gym.
What’s worse is that just because I win the battle today to go exercise doesn’t mean all the other battles today are easy. It doesn’t mean that the exact same battle tomorrow will be easy either.
My self-control, self-esteem and ability to be proactive often fail me when I need them the most.
But no matter how it feels, God never fails me – no matter how low I go, how much I feel like I’m drowning, how I often just don’t care.
I have two purposes for this post.
The first is to “encourage”, to reflect, to be real with those parents who have buried their children. To tell you that you are not alone, that it’s ok to have daily battles and struggles, that it’s ok to not always beat the grief that overwhelms you.
The other is to tell you (who have maybe lost someone but not your CHILD) to be sensitive, loving, kind. To hold our hearts in yours, to protect us from any extra hurt. To think before you speak.
Each one of us deals with daily battles, we all struggle with issues, and it would be unfair to say that mine are worse than yours or that they are more debilitating. What I do want to say is that you need to be mindful of them and if the fact that they will almost certainly never disappear, just like the hole in our hearts will never heal completely and like our grief which will never go away.
(For more advice about what not to say and what to say go to this blog of mine… It was written well before Emma died but still remains true.)